The Timid Gambler
June 21, 2010
the conundrum here is, how do you “wait” for something, with losing your “desire” for that something? especially when there is no “certain” date for its redemption. or, should we gamble or mental peace and security for a chance at an earlier consummation of the promise that may as well be prolonged, should our gamble become a gambit??
i have seen into my soul, and i am not an adventurer with my heart. i would rather learn how to wait without expectation.
i don’t fault any, and in fact am privately jealous of those who bet their lives on their own intellectual temerity and self-righteous conviction, and who walk by their own light… but i didn’t come up that way. i am peter the roman by faith and self-less obedience, not by my own vision or light.
perhaps it is a moral weakness in me, that i am a servant and not a king at heart. perhaps it is a strength. i just know that this is who i am. my essence.
perhaps it is the vestigial characteristic of an asian religion through which all humanity is justified. perhaps it is a black communal mentality, or maybe the fact that i’ve been imprisoned for so long that the white garments have faded, and the gold crowns, lost their luster. i just know that this is who i am. my essence.
